Time to worry?

When is the last time I posted on this blog…hmmm let’s see…oh, man a couple weeks it seems!

Now that could mean a couple things to you.

One: I’m lazy.

Two:  I’ve been incredibly busy and haven’t had time to write.

I deny both and answer the question with something much much worse.  And it is something that is just coming to light tonight.

I’ve been worrying.

About what?  you might asked.  Well, a bit of everything, of course:  upcoming graduate school classes, my own classes I teach, future family additions (here come those twins!), projected work loads, past injuries which might recur (got a bad bum knee), worries about direction and focus.

And like Charlie Brown would say “My anxieties have anxieties.”  ‘Cause I’m worried ’bout my worryin’!

Now of course, Matthew 7:25-34 comes to mind, that wonderfully read but ignored passage by people like me, where Jesus directly states “Do not worry.”  He further states that God knows all we need and will take care of us.  “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.  Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

I’m not just taking on worries about tomorrow, I’m covering weeks and months and years in my tormented spirit.

And I suddenly realize how much time that has been taking up lately.

Because worriers are often the world’s best procrastinators as well.  Easier to worry about something than do something about it and let the matter rest.

Or trust God and let the matter rest in Him.

Oh, boy.

Because I’ve realized the amount I’ve been worrying is directly proportional to how little time I’ve spent in prayer, and here prayer meaning that stillness and reliance in the face of God.

And worrying is also directly proportional to the amount of time I’ve spent in distractions of every kind.

Writing, by the way, is not a distraction for me.  It helps me focus.

How long since that last blog post?  At least it wasn’t months this time.

Worrying takes so much time and energy out of me.

So much time.

When that could be time taking my worries to God, and while the problem or situation might still be “out there,” it is book-ended with a trust in a God who loves, cares, heals, redeems, and feeds birds and clothes lilacs.

Who is not a small God, so made by our neglect and lack of trust.

But a large God, whose infinite unconditional love and care for us says emphatically, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

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The Dreaded Inmost Place

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After a long session with my spiritual mentor, she wrapped up our conversation with a bit of advice.  “I think it would be a really great idea if you reflected on the fact that you are beloved of God, with every fault in your past, present, and future included.  That he knows you will stumble, but loves you and made you uniquely you for a reason.”

Suddenly I found I had a dozen books to read, numerous articles to read through, several facebook posts to peruse, and let me tell you…

those Youtube videos just don’t watch themselves, ya know.

I know many people who say that those of us who are Christian are delusional, ready to live a lie in order to assuage ourselves of the reality of the world.

How I wish, sometimes.  Really, how I wish.  It would mean my experience would be so much different.

The one where I am shoved up against my broken self and have to acknowledge my inner fears, worries, dreads, anxiety, and past.

The starting point of Christianity is acknowledging we are not the illusions we create about ourselves.  Good or bad.  All of it is stripped away.  Think of Eustace from Voyage of the Dawn Treader.  Layers and layers of dragon skin peeled off.

Then he was real.

And…

Wait a minute.

Let me not turn this into a pious pick-me-up post.

There are times (like now) where I am just tired.  And the Gospels just make me say “Eh.”  I’m worn out.  And knowing how much I am loved is actually more of burden than anything else.  Trust and intimacy are Lothlorien and I’m in the Battle of Helm’s Deep.  Yeah, Gandalf may be coming, but I got fifty orcs in my face right now and my sword swing just isn’t cutting it.  (There, for you Lord of the Rings fans, and concluding with a bad pun to boot).

I have friends around the world right now who are traveling the world and experiencing marvelous things.  And I feel stuck.

How is this short-tempered, impatient, impulse driven, depressed self supposed to see himself as loved by the Lord?  Needed by God?  Asked to be part of the communion of saints?

So here’s a post asking for prayers, please.  Because I do believe, I do.  I cling desperately to that which Christ offers.  But sometimes I get tired of holding on, and don’t realize he’s been carrying me for the past forty miles.